Saturday News for shut-ins

Singles Bar Contains Single Woman

MEMPHIS, TN—South of Beale,  a popular Memphis singles bar, contained a single woman Friday night. “Talk about a sausage-fest,” said Jamal Jackson, one of the approximately 170 men who patronized the bar along with the lone female, 29-year-old Memphis nurse Susanne Pippin. “I’ve never seen so many dudes crowded around just one chick.” The single woman received 137 offers to go someplace a little more quiet.

Pizza Hut Employee Still Hanging Around After Shift 

DYERSBURG, TN–Pizza Hut employee Jerry Shanks, 20, continued to hang around the restaurant for nearly an hour after his shift ended Thursday. “He was just hovering around the lobby, making small talk with me ,” said coworker Debbie Barnes, who was operating the front register at the time. “Then he wandered over to the prep area and started talking to Diane. I was like, ‘Why are you still here, Jerry? Your shift is over! Go home!”

FACT OF THE DAY HEY HEY!!

ON THIS DAY IN 1567, HENRY, LORD DARNLEY, SECOND HUSBAND OF MARY, QUEEN OF SCOTS AND FATHER OF JAMES VI AND I, WAS MURDERED AT KIRK O’FIELD, EDINBURGH. IMAGINE THAT! THEY HAD MURDER WAY BACK THEN!

Christ Hires Associate Christ

 JERUSALEM— Overwhelmed by a constant deluge of prayers and appeals for salvation, Jesus Christ announced Wednesday the hiring of San Francisco Ca former Google customer-service supervisor Dean Jacobs as Associate Christ.

      “I’ve been in need of an Assistant Savior for a long time now, and I’m thrilled to finally have one,” Christ told reporters at a press conference aired on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. “Dean is an experienced guy who will really help ease my workload.”

      With the hiring, effective June 1, Christians seeking spiritual aid or guidance will be able to pray to either Jesus or Dean.

      “This is an extremely exciting opportunity for me, and I look forward to hearing your prayers,” Jacobs said. “To the millions of Christians around the world, I just want you to know that I am here for you, should you wander down the wrong path. If Jesus happens to be busy, please feel free to turn to me in your darkest hour.”

      “You can expect the same great service from me that you’ve always gotten from Jesus,” Jacobs said.

      Jesus said He chose Jacobs for the Assistant Christ position because of his considerable experience in dealing with the public. In addition to his six-year stint as customer-service supervisor with Google, the nation’s largest search engine, Jacobs worked for nine years as a human-resources manager with Walmart.

      Though some observers have questioned whether Jacobs will be able to absolve Christians of earthly wrongdoings, having never died on the cross for humanity’s sins, Christ dismisses such claims, saying that he has “complete faith in Dean.”

      “Whatever you wish to say unto me, you can say unto Dean Jacobs,” Christ said. “I am 100 percent confident that Dean is fully capable of bathing you in the healing light of forgiveness and salvation. Turn to Dean, and you shall not go astray.”

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