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Alanta Man Doesn’t Look Jewish 

ATLANTA–According to surprised neighbors, Atlanta resident Adam Scheff doesn’t look Jewish. “It’s weird,” said Kathleen Purdue, who recently learned of Scheff’s Semitic roots. “I had no idea he was Jewish. He just sort of looks regular, with the light brown hair and light skin and all. Actually, I thought he was Irish or maybe even Scandinavian.” Added Purdue: “Is Scheff a Jewish name?”

Conga-Line Participant is Skiddish

VISALIA, CA–Wedding attendee Marc Panos was badly shaken Saturday when a conga-line participant ominously beckoned him to join the grim, undulating human chain. “This large woman in a pink, sequined dress started waving and gesturing for me to come get on the end,” Panos said following the ordeal. “It all seemed to be happening in slow motion, like they all had evil grimaces and were laughing in deep, slowed-down voices.” Panos dodged the encroaching conga specter by spilling scalding hot coffee on his tuxedo pants. “That was a close one,” he said.

Computer Analyst Unable To Fashion Crude Tools, Grind Wheat 

SEATTLE–According to reports, computer analyst Ishmel Glenn, who earns $120,000 a year organizing and upgrading computer networks, does not know how to fashion crude tools or grind wheat. “I guess to grind wheat, you’d probably cut it off the stalk and then maybe use some kind of crushing device to mash it until it’s powder,” Glenn said. “I don’t really know what you’d do with it then. Maybe cook it, I guess.” Glenn added that network administrators should use jacketed, certified cat-6 cable and keep runs perpendicular to electrical lines to prevent data integrity problems in WiFi networks.

Stuff On Floor Either Cat Food Or Cat Shit 

LODI, NJ–The moist, brownish pile on the Gherkin living-room floor is either cat food or cat shit, it was reported Monday. “If I had to guess, I’d say it’s cat food,” said Lydia Gherkin, 44, staring at the mystery heap. “But the way Oscar’s been digesting lately, cat shit is definitely a possibility, too.” Though a long shot, Gherkin noted that it could also be cat vomit. “Whatever it is,” she said, “it came from the cat.”

McDonalds Employee in it just for the money

Dallas, Tx—According to reports, Sean Joyce, a member of the Broadway McDonald’s team, may be doing it purely for the money. Critics say Joyce, 22, who lives with girlfriend Renee Simmons and their 2-year-old daughter, cares more about getting paid than dedicating himself to his craft.

      “It’s sad when a person’s sole motivation is money, but that really seems to be the case with Mr. Boyce,” said Peter Stevens, editor of the restaurant-industry newsletter Fast Food Report. “The only thing he’s interested in is getting that paycheck.”

      Contrary to claims made at the time of his hire, Joyce does not crave the challenge of brightening people’s day the McDonald’s way.

      “When I interviewed Sean, he really seemed to agree that the most fulfilling thing about working here is getting the chance to make the customer’s McDonald’s experience as enjoyable as possible,” assistant manager Frederick Wilson said. “But the longer he was here, the more apparent it became that it was all about the money for him. He’s always asking stuff like, ‘Wasn’t I supposed to get a raise last month?’ and, ‘I thought I get time and a half when I work overtime.’ At some point, he needs to wake up and realize that money isn’t what’s truly important.”

       Joyce allegedly told his girlfriend that he just wants to “punch in, do my job and punch out.” Several days later, he intimated to fellow cashier Amani Green that “if I win the lottery, I’m never setting foot in another McDonald’s for the rest of my life.”

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